How Do You Say Asshole in Spanish?

*Please read A Flashback and A Flashback II before continuing*

So, last night, I'm sitting on my couch, planting grapes on Farmville, when I get a text from an unknown number. It reads, "Soooooo whatever happened between us?"

My right eyebrow raises.  I wonder, "who is 'us,' and what did happen?" I text back, "what do you mean," trying to get some information about who the mystery texter is.  A minute later, another text beeps in.  It reads, "I was feeling you, but a disconnect."

So now I'm really confused.  Who the hell is this?  The area code is unfamiliar, so I conduct a Google search for the area code; immediately, I know it's the guy--the guy who blew me off not once, but twice, more than 8 months ago.  At this point, I'm losing interest in responding.  But, the super nosey part of me is wondering a few key pointers: a) does he know who he's texting?  b) if he does know, what does he want?  and, c)  Is he SERIOUS?!

I wait until the next morning before I reply.  I text, "Are you sure you know who this is? I didn't think you were feeling me after you blew me off twice and stopped calling"

He replies, confirming that he knows that  I am I.  This leaves me more perplexed.  Is this guy for real?

He replies, "No speaka de ingles about the blowing u off. Oh yeah, GM to you too!"

I'm floored.  At least this guy is consistent--every time we interact, I end up being even more amazed at his lunacy than I was the last time.  I'm so blown away at his blowing off the fact that he blew me off that I sit up in bed, wipe the sleep out of my eyes, and start look around the room for a hidden camera.  I'm sure that this is some sort of joke and, much like Truman Burbank, I'm the main character of a comedy reality tv show where I don't realize I'm the main character.

At this point, good sense is telling me not to reply.  I'm known to ignore good sense.

I reply,  "it is a good morning.  And, I'm still the person you blew off twice."  I really, really, need this guy to admit his sins and apologize.  Evidently, I have unrealistic expectations.

He replies, with lightening McQueen text speed, "U, me this saturday."

This causes me to laugh manically for a solid minute.  What alternate universe does this man live in?

I go for my run, and think about my response.  Again, I should have let it go.  But, I can't.  I can not let this go without some kind of reply.


So, I do.  "  So, you blow me off, not once, but twice, more than half a year ago, and the best you've got is  'you me Saturday' Seriously?  You already know you have to do better than that my brother."

This guy is nothing if not persistent.  He writes back, "So, that's a yes."

Now, I'm pissed.  I reply, "No.  That is not a yes.  Right now you're at the opposite of yes.  You're not even at maybe."

The phone stays silent for a few hours.  Then, a text rings through. I won't bore you with the details, but he quotes some poetry, that reads like it came from Solomon, and ends the scripture with "...THIS SATURDAY!" He then calls me.  I send the phone to voicemail.

I turn off the phone.

So, dear reader, this is where we are.  Now, let me clarify some key points:

A) I am no longer feeling this guy.
B) I am amazed and floored at his rudeness.
C) I am against playing "games."  Except in this instance.  (Don't judge me)

So, the way I look at it,  I have a few options. I can:

1) Leave the phone off and ignore this creaton.
2) Go out tomorrow to a very expensive, signature French restaurant of my choosing where my goal will be to order something from every category and leave all forms of payment at home.
3) Set up a date and blow him off.
4) Conduct a 2/3 split.  My best friend suggested this.  Go out to dinner at a very expensive, signature French restaurant of my choosing, order something from every category, excuse myself to the ladies room and exit stage left.

Again, normally, I would be opposed to these types of childish antics, but it's summer.    So you get to vote.  I'll be taking votes until 10:30 tonight, PST.  Based on the votes, I'll make my decision.

Evelyn Parkside