After talking to TweedleDee this evening, I decided that I might need to engage in some self reflection to figure out why I keep attracting such, well, weirdos. So, I turned to the best person to tell me how great (or screwed up) I actually am: Oprah.
As I was perusing ye olde internet for personality assessments, I stumbled across a very official test of charima at Oprah.com. I took the test and answered all questions honestly. Here are the results:
Your Score 63
You have a hard time going unnoticed. You are one of the lucky few (only 5 percent of people score above 60) with that uncanny ability to light up a room. You probably have some experience as a performer, and are especially expressive and sensitive to others.
Your score indicates your level of charisma, or in psychological terms, how well you express yourself nonverbally. In my 25 years of research on the subject, I've found that the most alluring individuals can effortlessly communicate without words—through expressions, gestures, tone of voice, and other subtle signals. [If your score is lower than you'd like, follow Martha Beck's guide to boosting your charisma quotient.] — Howard S. Friedman, PhD
Now, this certainly sounds official. And, it's been verified by an internet PhD, so it must be true, even though the entire test only took me seven minutes to complete.
So, according to this, I should attract lots of people. Well, that's true. The problem is, most of the men I attract seem to be bottom feeders. And, not even cool bottom feeders like lobster or starfish, more like that slimy Asian carp that's mucking up the Great Lakes.
Tonight I engaged with the first conversation with TweedleDum, or Mr. Functionally Retarded. I won't bore you with the details of our entire talk, but I will relay the following information which I got after the first ten minutes of the first conversation we've ever had:
1) His mother is bipolar schizophrenic.
2) His sister is bioplar. Though not schizophrenic.
3) His sister is married. To an ex-con. With a penchant for violence. And a taste for beating his wife.
4) He is fixing his financial issues.
5) He has no car, though, evidently we're going out on Monday.
6) He is looking to lead a quiet life, one where his wife comes home every night and cooks.
On the upswing, he has all of his teeth.
Evelyn Parkside
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