Go to YouTube. Pull up an episode of the 1980's tv sitcom ALF. Look at the dad. Now, imagine he is 5'4, with small fingers. Now, drop the dadet into a tapas, thai and wine bar at a bar, where he is sitting alone. Dadlet--tiny 1980's sitcom dad, miniature dad.
Imagine me. If you don't know me, I'm beautiful. Stunning, really. If you do know me, pretend I'm beautiful. Stunning even.
I sit at the bar to get a glass of cabernet before I return home to nurse some pretty persistent seasonal allergies. Dadlet strikes up a conversation with me about the menu. I suggest a few items and he suggests that we share our tapas. I weigh the possibilities: talking to someone or sitting with my sniffles. He wins.
We share a plate of tapas and order another. He's interesting to talk to, but clearly getting plastered. I continue to nurse my one glass of wine.
He espouses his views on Arabs (evidently, they're all infidels), fireman (evidently, they're all screwing the retirement system) the California collegiate system (evidently, they don't understand capitalism), and short sales (evidently, he's on the brink of homelessness).
I order another glass of wine.
After conversing for an hour or so, dadlet (whose face is growing redder by every drink of wine he ingests) leans over to me, and slurs the following:
"So, what are you doing when you leave here?"
Did I mention that it was 10:30 at night?
I reply that I'm going home for my date with a Benadryl tablet and two tablespoons of NyQuil.
"That doesn't sound like fun," he hiccups as his eyes start to droop.
"Allergies," I reply, with the same serious tone one might use to say "cancer" or "Mr. President, the aliens have landed."
At this point he says that he is about to leave and asks for the check. The bartender comes over.
"Thanks for..."I start when he cuts me off.
"Oh, I'm only paying for me" he interrupts, and gives the bartender a $100 bill.
"I was saying 'thanks for the nice conversation'" I continue, offended.
"Oh. Ok. Want to come home with me? I have a jacuzzi," he says, as if he is offering a competitive bid for the Benadryl.
At this point, I'm offended and disgusted. Dadlet has just--rudely, I might add--declined to pay for a drink and appetizer that I didn't ask him to pay for and has continued to invite me over to the jacuzzi? Are. You. Serious?
"No thank you," I reply.
"My jacuzzi is really nice. And, (hicccup) I only live right up the road. You can show me that video you were talking about. Then I can show you a video..." he trails off, looking at me very seriously.
"Yeah, no." I reply, as this clearly violates Rule #2--no dates that violate my personal safety or freedom.
"Oh. Well, no means no, I guess," dadlet sneers, "but if you change your mind, the hot water might make you feel better. You can see my office." By office, I'm thinking the room where he watches hours of internet porn. He looks like the kind of guy who watches hours of internet porn. Hours.
He leaves. I wait 20 minutes then have the bartender walk with me to my car. Though, he was so tiny I'm pretty sure I could have taken him.
Evelyn Parkside
Your articles have kept me entertained.
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear it, Samson. :) I'm a gracious writer.
ReplyDeleteHey Evelyn,
ReplyDeleteHave you considered maybe the area you reside in that there may be no suitable suitors?
Samson, I have thought about that. Can you recommend a good place for me to move? :)
ReplyDeleteEvelyn,
ReplyDeleteI may be able to assist with your unfortunate dilemma. I did a bit of research for you and I know your such an Oprah fan so per an article that Oprah wrote.
I will give you 20 cities based on six criteria: the ratio of unmarried men to unmarried women, divorce rates, fitness level, philanthropy, education level and attraction. Get ready to pack to the West Coast :)
1.San Jose, California
2.Salt Lake City, Utah
3.Arlington, Texas
4.Raleigh, North Carolina
5.San Francisco, California
6.Fremont, California
7.Austin, Texas
8.Minneapolis, Minnesota
9.Washington, D.C.
10.San Diego, California
11.Charlotte, North Carolina
12.Dallas, Texas
13.Denver, Colorado
14.St. Paul, Minnesota
15.Seattle, Washington
16.Houston, Texas
17.New York, New York
18.Madison, Wisconsin
19.Fort Worth, Texas
20.Durham, North Carolina
Top 5 based on another article Men's Health because Oprah is not always right:
TOP FIVE CITIES
San Francisco, Calif.: Between the Golden Gate Bridge — easily the country's most romantic span--and the fog-shrouded summer mornings, San Fran sets the mood for finding a mate. And find one you will, what with the city's top-ranking ratio of highly educated (and in shape) singles crowding the cable cars and walking the Wharf.
STATS: 99th out of 101 in percentage of people who completed a bachelor's degree, 97th in fitness level, and 95th in chemistry, i.e. opportunity for adrenaline-pumping activities.
Minneapolis, Minn.: Sure, the winters are bitter, but that's about the only excuse not to exercise--running and bike paths weave around the 24 lakes and along the Mississippi River, no doubt explaining the high fitness ranking. The city is also home to the University of Minnesota, one of the biggest college campuses in the country, so chances are the guy jogging by you has a reading list that includes more than the Sunday comics.
STATS: 98th out of 101 in ratio of single men to single women, 94th in fitness level, and 93rd in education level
San Jose, Calif.: Not only did it have the best ratio of single men to women, but as the hub of Silicon Valley, San Jose is a magnet for men looking to flex their mental muscle. What's more, with over 300 sunny days a year, the city gives guys a built-in incentive to stay in shape and balance work with play (it was tops in fitness level and chemistry-building activities).
STATS: 101st out of 101 in singles ratio, fitness level, and chemistry (but 23rd out of 101 in philanthropy, bringing down its overall score)
Arlington, Texas: It may be in the shadow of Fort Worth and Dallas, but Arlington shines in the dating department. With a high philanthropy ranking, the men there invest more of their disposable income in charities than most, and with the low divorce rate what they don't give to a good cause is probably going toward box seats for the Rangers rather than alimony to an ex.
STATS: 97th out of 101 in divorce rate, 90th in philanthrophy, and 81st in fitness level
Raleigh, North Carolina: Serious science is carried out in this corner of the Research Triangle, including, it seems, successful chemistry experiments. If you want to mix with smart, successful singles, catch a Duke game at one of the city's bars or spend the day milling around a museum.
STATS: 95th out of 101 in divorce rate, 99th in education, and 94th in chemistry
Essence list based on black men:
Washington, D.C.
Chicago
NY
Charlotte, North Carolina
Orland, Florida
Manchester, Connecticut
Detroit
Oakland/Bay Area
New Orleans
LA
Based on all this data I'm sure you can make your own wise decision on what you are looking for. If your asking for my oppinion you cant gor wrong with California.
Hi Samson,
ReplyDeleteFor many reasons I find this list as entertaining as my blog. :) But, i think you for compiling it for me. I actually moved from one of the noted cities and live close to quite a few.
Anywho, I love the Sunshine state...perhaps I should take a trip...that is, if I'm not already there :)
Hello Evelyn,
ReplyDeleteGlad you enjoyed the list as much as I enjoy reading your escapades.