The Bluebird of Happiness

This afternoon, as I was dining at one of the city's finer estaablishments for lunch and to work on a project, I met yet another gentleman. He was dressed in all blue: blue jeans, blue Nikes, blue button-up and during our conversation he asked me if I had found my blue bird of happiness. Very cordial and outgoing, we struck up an easy-going conversation for about 10 minutes while he waited for his order.

Anyway, he complimented my smile--profusely--and asked me if he could have my number. According to rule #1, I had to give it to him, so I did. He left, with a jaunty spring in his step, and I finished my lunch.

Fifteen minutes I got the first text message: "I am pleased and very honored to have met your acquaintance. I look forward to speaking to you in the very near future."

Twenty minutes after that I got the first call, to check and see if I got the text message. I answered and informed Mr. Blue Bird of Happiness that I was just getting ready to watch the Superbowl at a friend's house. He insisted that I give him a call when I was done. I said ok.


Two hours after that, during the 4th quarter, I got the second phone call. I didn't answer

An hour after that, I got the third phone call. The game was over, and I was actually driving back home. Here's a brief transcript:

Me: "Hello."
BBoH: "Is this My Evelyn?"
Me: "This is an Evelyn"
BBoH: "But is this My Evelyn?"
Me: "It is not."
BBoH: "You're a teacher. You do understand the possessive pronoun "my," right?"
Me: "Yes, I understand possessives. But, I can't say that this is your Evelyn. This is an Evelyn, one not owned."
BBoH: "Well, I'm going to work on making you mine."

--Sigh. Long, lingering sigh. Sigh that is preceded by an gulp of despair and followed by an exhale of disgust. Really, sir? We met once, over tacos, and somehow you're able to stake claim on my personal freedom?--

The conversation goes on for a few more minutes and things were going well until he started what I like to call the Subversive Compliment, also known as Compliment Gone Awry. Subversive Compliments are what keep more men away from sex than have ever brought a man to sex. Let me explain.

On a first date, a man says something like, "You have a beautiful figure," which is a compliment. Any smart man will stop there. But, there are those that go the extra step and plunge headfirst into the subversive compliment. "You have a beautiful figure. I can just imagine grabbing that ass when I get you home. Umph!" That, sir, is Compliment Gone Awry. You have just officially talked yourself out of whatever chance you might have had.

Now, it's after the Superbowl, about 9:15 at night and I just met BBoH about 5 hours beforehand. We are not a couple. We're not even dating.

BBoH: "You have a beautiful smile." (Compliment. STOP here.)
Me: "Why, thank you."
BBOH: "No really. I love your mouth. You have an awesome mouth"
Me: "Um, thanks..."
BBoH: "Seriously, I kept staring at your mouth. Your mouth is just beautiful"

Now, here's the exact point of Compliment Gone Awry.

Me: Silence
BBoH: "I mean, your lips are just so perfectly plump and a healthy shade of pink. You have a gorgeous mouth. Some guys are a butt man, I guess I'm just a lip man."
Me: Silence. Horrified silence.
BBoH: "Are you busy right now? What side of town are you on? I was thinking, I see you again for about fifteen minutes? I'd love to look at your mouth again before I go to sleep."

Before you ask the most obvious question, let me answer it for you: BBoH is NOT a dentist.

Me: "No." Though Rule #2 states that I'll go on any first date I'm asked on, subsection 1 clearly states "unless it violates my personal safety and freedom." Meeting a potential creeper at 9:15 pm for him to, admittedly, "admire my mouth before he goes to sleep" violates my personal safety and freedom rule.

We continue talking, and the BBoH asks a series of Briggs Myers personality test questions. For a while I thought I was auditioning to be a contestant on a game show.

Verdict: Aside from the "I love your mouth" line of Compliments Gone Awry, the Blue Bird of Happiness was actually easy to talk to. He might be fun on a first date.


Evelyn Parkside