She Shoots! She Scores! ShaDeezy!

For those of you who revel in the lamentable escapades of my dating life (haters) I have upsetting news for you: I had a great date tonight. Great. The guy initiated contact with me, suggested a nice restaurant and a time, waited for me while I finished getting my manicure, refused to sit with his back to the door, took off my coat, pulled out my chair, offered me a martini, was gracious to the server, engaged in lively conversation, opened the door, and waited with my while my car warmed up.

In short, he spoiled me.

That's the upswing. Now, haters, the story turns back to you: he's my BFF. The best date I've had in a year is with the man who listens to all my bad date stories before you guys do: ShaDeezy.

ShaDeezy (not his real name), much like me, is single, African-American, straight, and looking for love. Tonight, over a wonderful meal at a Brazilian churrascaria, we exchanged current war stories. This is always fun, as I give him the latest updates in my dating life and he translates the story into ManSpeak for me. ManSpeak, a combination of grunts and guttural chuffs intermingled with actual words, is the language that all men speak intuitively, and all women are deaf to hearing or understanding without a translation. For instance, a woman says, "I love bananas." In ManSpeak, that translates into, "She gives head." Or, a woman might say, "I'm working late tonight." In ManSpeak, that translates into, "She gives head, but she's available later." Or, a woman might say, "I need to call the florist." In ManSpeak, that translates into, "She gives head, but I need to buy flowers." I short, almost everything a woman says translates into some sort of sexual favor. However, every once in a while, the translation is a bit more obscure. This is where ShaDeezy comes in handy.

In return, I translate messages from Divine Articulation to him. Divine Articulation is the language that all women speak. It's very easy to understand, yet so many men have so much difficulty navigating some of the more subtle nuances. For instance, when a woman says, "fine," that usually signals the end of an argument where we are right and the man needs to be quiet." "Five minutes" means thirty minutes if she is getting dressed, but four minutes if she needs your help. "Nothing" always means something. Usually "nothing" signals something big. Very big. And, finally, "Go Ahead" is always a dare, and never actual permission. This means proceed with extreme caution.

So our dinners usually mean I share a conversation with him and he translates it into ManSpeak to me (usually to my horror, where I end up protesting, "but I didn't mean that" and I translate Divine Articulation to him where he groans, puts his head in his hands and exclaims, "Oh God."

Tonight, he broke down the Plus One (+1), Plus Two (+2) rule for me. The +1 rule is very simple. The last person to send a text/make a phone call is +1. If that person initiates a second correspondence, he/she is not +2. At no point in time should a woman ever go above +2, and there is never a reason to go to +3 (Red Alert! Stalker!) during courtship.

ShaDeezy is an integral part of the dating process. He aptly screens and reviews potential applicants in the very early phase of courtship and explains the situation from a man's point of view.



Evelyn Parkside